I have a confession to make, but i’m afraid that unlike a lot of confessions that i make on this blog – it’s painfully obvious. I have been lazy. Ok, now that we got the collective “No sh!t” out of the way that i’m sure just escaped everyone’s lips before they even realize it, i will explain.

I started this blog because i like cooking and a lot of people would always come up to me and tell me that i should give cooking classes or start a blog. I usually ignored them or spit in their eye like a camel (i don’t take compliments well). However, after realizing that a lot of my friends aren’t aware of all the amazing cooking blogs out there, i realized that i might stand a chance at winning some readers. I also thought that cooking and photography are things that some might say i find “fun”, so combining them has to be fun, right? So i started this blog. The problem is that every hobby i have ever had i usually find a way to make it not fun anymore by turning it into work. I told myself i needed to update this blog around 3 times a week, but not less than 1, and that there needed to be glorious pictures with every entry. When my entry count started going down the crapper because of school and laziness, i started getting stressed out about it and made myself cook and write entries even when i really didn’t want to or have the time – which was the exact opposite of what i wanted. The truth is that i have a ton of recipes already cooked up that i haven’t blogged about yet – i just always forget about them and cook something new. So we are going to start working through the queue of backed up recipes. Don’t worry, i took extensive notes so even though these were cooked a while ago all the details will be documented.  A lot of times these recipes in the queue were spur-of-the-moment inspirations that i wasn’t planning on putting on the blog until i was eating it and realized how delicious it was, so unfortunately some of the recipes don’t have photos. This is one of those recipes.

However, I feel like this recipe needs photos so i am going to do a google image search for “mediocre burgers” and use the first image that pops up.

Apparently Steer Inn Burgers serves mediocre burgers. Unfortunately for you if you live in Richmond Hill, they will never serve the burger i am about to tell you how to make because it is so far from mediocre that there isn’t a word for it. I literally had to tell you that these burgers are mediocre, then tell you to think of the most opposite thing from mediocre you could possibly think of in order for you to understand how good these burgers are.

I made these burgers when we had friends visiting from Michigan, and i kind of blacked out from the stroke of inspiration i recieved immediately prior to making these burgers. When i woke up i had a crumpled piece of paper in my hand with the notes and ingredients for this recipe. The important thing to realize about this recipe is ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS ARE APPROXIMATE. If you think it needs more ketchup then hell, squirt some more ketchup in. Just promise me you won’t use that green or purple ketchup. That’s disgusting. Enjoy.

Alright, start out with

Put the beef in a large bowl. Seriously, this bowl better be big. Mix in

Mix all the crap together with your hands; get ‘em real dirty. Squish the beef between your fingers; enjoy it.  If it feels too sloppy, like it won’t hold together as a burger, then obviously you did something wrong because my recipe is perfect and you need to fix that shit right now before you tell someone you are using my recipe. If it’s too wet add bread crumbs.

Take a bit of the burger mixture and flatten it. This is going to be the bottom half of the hamburger, so don’t make it thick. Sprinkle a good amount of

onto the patty. Take some more of the hamburger mixture and make another flat burger and place it on top of the other one (making a ground beef cheese sandwich). Pinch the edges to seal in the cheese. Use a spatula to move the finished burger onto a plate to await it’s fiery doom.

In a medium skillet lubed up with a splash of olive oil or maybe a little butter, cook over medium-high heat

After the mushrooms and onions cook for a few minutes, add

Pour

into the skillet and let reduce. After a few minutes the liquid should have thickened a bit. Add

and let reduce again for 2-4 minutes. Set aside and cover to keep warm.

Now here’s the mother-loving secret that i probably shouldn’t give away: The grill. You can’t just throw them on the grill and expect them to be the opposite of mediocre. Sure, you could probably make a “great” burger that way, but nothing like what we’re about to do. Remember, these are filled with cheese. You don’t want to blow this now.

Hopefully you have a charcoal grill. If not, you can totally improvise and still accomplish this, i’m just ashamed of you.

Get the coals started and let them get nice and hot, about 10-15 minutes. During this time, soak

in a bucket full of water. After the coals are hot and ready, hold on to your hats because things are going to start to move fast. Remove the grates from the grill so you have uninhibited access to the coals. Drain the water from the bucket of wood chips. Place, one handful at a time, the wet woodchips on the hot coals. Cover only half the coals with woodchips. Things will start to get very smokey and painful for your eyes at this point. Work quickly. Replace the grates on the grill. Place the burgers carefully on the grill over the coals that don’t have any woodchips over them and close the grill (your grill does have a top, right?). Let the burgers cook for about 4 minutes on each side, flipping carefully. Remember, these burgers aren’t as thick as they seem. You don’t have to completely cook the middle because it’s just filled with cheese, not beef. (Besides, you should eat your burgers medium-rare anyways. It makes a world of difference.)

When the burgers are done smoking, take them off the grill. Serve with the beer mushroom reduction.

Right back at you, you creepy, creepy man.